A: He’s trying to figure out the combination. We've collected the best of marriage proposal jokes and puns just for you. “I didn’t spend that much on my wedding.” My friend answered, “I can have three or four weddings. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.” “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.” “Two thousand.” “We’ll need a photographer. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face. You agree by closing this box or continuing to use our site.
Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again. Who’s talking about religion?
Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. To others, a sentence. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?”, I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.’”. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a … “Because I use my Guard pay for spending money.” “So?” “For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!”, On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, where my wife was waiting for me. I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring. By chance, she had entered the bypass right behind me. It read “The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!”, My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon. So that evening, when his wife was preparing dinner, Joe stood 15 feet behind her and said, “What’s for dinner, honey?”. Not long after the proposal, they married and went on a Jamaican honeymoon. My husband let out a low whistle. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. “I guess it was in our stars,” he sighed. When the elevator arrived, he thrust out his arm and beckoned wildly. “The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again.”. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. .
“You’re running around with another woman— admit it!” she demanded. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, “It makes an awful noise, but it works.” “That’s okay,” she said, taking it. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. “And that explains the engagement.”.
The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.
They never get the house anyway. Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, “Every time.”. Richard Pryor, I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” She said, “Somewhere I have never been!” I told her, “How about the kitchen?” Henny Youngman, A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? “I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.”, I was a mess.
Friend #1: What’s a GPS override? “He didn’t have any.” “So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him.” Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland. As we completed the paperwork he explained, “This way I can’t forget the date.”, A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said, “You’re not going down there by yourself at this hour.”, Just as I was thinking, How thoughtful of him, he added, “Better take the dog with you.”. As we slid beneath the covers, I snuggled up to him and told him I loved him. Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? Joel finally had had enough. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’ ” he said. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door. There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. “I bet you wish you’d married a smaller man,” my father said. The couple were spending the weekend in a New York hotel. At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The inevitable happened and she was caught. There, in fine print, was “Serves 6.”. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”, As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, “After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days.” “Did you hear that?” she asked her husband. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, “Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist.”, Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, “It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!”. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.” Rosemary Tomy, Tucson, Arizona, A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. Now you can easily and quickly add contacts from your email account (such as Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo etc. Our teacher overheard her and shook her head. When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. Your grandfather was the mailman.”, A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.” Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island. It was a hot night, and when they got back to their room after the theatre, the husband peeled off his clothes and stretched out on the bed to cool off. “I like women who get mad like that.”.
“University of Western Ontario,” he yelled back. You repeat.”. And put your lights on—it’s starting to rain.”. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Concerned, Steve said through the door, “Honey, really, it doesn’t matter if you’ve gone up a size or two.”. “But you are yellowing fast.” Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri, A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Rubbing our new car, he anxiously queried, “Did you get salt on it?”, My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee. So she gets a divorce. A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand—to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.